The reports of Rush Limbaugh having a heart attack over the Christmas break were unfortunately inaccurate. Mr. Limbaugh said, "Ladies and gentlemen-what happened was, I was driving on a large sled filled of toys with my dog Max by this town named Whoville. I had stolen every toy in that liberal town, only to discover that I couldn’t stop Christmas. Suddenly, just as the sled was about to slide off the mountain, my heart grew three times its size-which made me think I had a heart attack-but at least I now had a reason to take sleds-full of Vicodins again."
In Peter Biskind’s biography, "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America," the author estimates that Mr. Beatty bedded 12,775 women. However, attorney Bertram Fields, Beatty’s legal pit bull, responds that Mr. Beatty’s decades long sexual escapades was explained as "just an actor researching for a role in a detective film called, ’Dick Crazy.’ Unfortunately, by the time funding for the film was completed, the elderly Mr. Beatty was told he could only play Dick Crazy’s villian: Prune Face."
After his New Year’s TV hosting stint, stroke victim Dick Clark announced he is coming out with a hip new product called "Cardio Books-which are audio books for and read by stroke victims. And, because the ’stroke reader’ only talks out of one half of his mouth, the books are half off-and the listener only has to listen out of one speaker. The first book is ’Hop on Pop’ which is kind of ’read’ by Kirk Douglas."
Rihanna is now dating LA Dodger outfielder, Matt Kemp. When asked what’s the difference between Kemp and her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, Rihanna replied, "Matt plays the outfield. Chris plays the field. But, ya know, both have one thing in common: they hit hard."
Before Johnson and Johnson heiress, Casey Johnson, the late lover of Tila Tequila, passed away, she filmed a commercial for her own "Johnson and Johnson-ish" product called, "Baby Hash Oil." Ms. Johnson, who had a baby daughter, noted, "Why hear a baby cry when a dab of ’Hash Oil’ will make her as mellow as her Mom? As my wife, Tila Tequila knows: ’A hit of Hash Oil goes good after tasting Tequila.’"
After hearing that "comedienne" Kathy Griffin was fired from CNN for dropping the f-bomb on this year’s New Year’s Eve show, Rosie O’Donnell pitched herself for the job-only to be told that she didn’t have the experience. A CNN spokesman explained, "Unfortunately, Rosie can’t report on a ball dropping at midnight because she’s never seen any kind of ball drop at midnight-or mid-day-or mid-morning-or mid-afternoon...."
