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20 Ways to Feed Your Lover

by Matthew Wexler
Contributor
Wednesday Feb 13, 2013
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Here at EDGE we know that Simon and Garfunkel suggested that Jack slip out the back and Gus hop on the bus, but this Valentine’s Day we’re embracing our inner love child and offer you 20 ways to feed your lover.

After all, what says romance more than a Hilary Clinton nutcracker? Check out our most loving countdown to date.


Nutcrackers and Nuns

1. Bialetti Pizza Chopper
Works great for slicing thin crust, deep dish, or unfaithful lovers. "Simply grasp the handle at opposite ends and rock the blade back and forth to create portions in the desired size."

2. Electric Cookie Press
With one hand operation and consistent flow of icing every time, the possibilities are endless.

3. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Hillary Clinton has busted more than a few balls in Washington. See what she can do with a pecan.

4. Musical Cake Slicer
Dream of being serenaded by your loved one? You can have your cake and eat it, too, while listening to an electronic version of "The Wedding March" or other tunes.

5. Nun Salt & Pepper Shakers
Don’t let that Catholic guilt get you down. Shake out your sexual repression at your next meal.


Bring Home the Bacon

6. The Ex - Unique Knife Holder
Re-enact "Fatal Attraction" in the comfort of your own home.

7. Rainbow Kitchen Utensils
What better way to represent pride than with rainbow kitchen utensils?

8. Flask Bra
For the girl on the go.

9. Denture Bottle Opener
The one time when using your teeth is a good thing.

10. Bacon Wallet
Take your date out in style when you pull out this meat-lover’s pocketbook.


Molecular Madness

11. Radio Toaster
Pining over a lost love? Tune in to some Michael Bublé and have a good cry over some crispy whole wheat.

12. Microplane Glove
Doing your best Michael Jackson impersonation while zesting a lemon will be sure to secure a second date.

13. Whiskey Stones
You may have received coals in your stocking for Christmas, but at least rocks in your cocktail for Valentine’s Day will keep your drink from becoming watered down.

14. Molecular Cuisine Starter Kit
Do you think Wylie Dufresne is hot? Seduce your own lover with balsamic caviar and other culinary oddities. Mutton chops required.

15. Juvenile Delinquent Mints
Now your date can have fresh breath even if he’s from the wrong side of the tracks.


The Truth Shall Set You Free

16. Cathy’s Cookbook
If the perpetually single comic heroine Cathy can hook a man, so you can you by following one of her easy recipes.

17. Corn Stripper
Add a boa and you’ll be the next Gypsy Rose Lee.

18. Stay Fresh Container
Unless you’re in eastern Europe, stinky isn’t sexy. For you or your food.

19. Slow Cooker
Sometimes it’s best to take it slow.

20. Inner Truth Mugs
Total honesty is the hardest part of a relationship. Let your coffee mug do it for you.


Matthew Wexler is EDGE’s National Style and Travel Editor. More of his writing can be found at www.roodeloo.com. He is also a trained chef and currently writing a food memoir.

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